You really coming over, don't trick.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Randomize
