We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
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