I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
