I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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