hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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