I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
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So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
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Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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