I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Randomize
