I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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