the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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