Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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