How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Randomize
