My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
