I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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