I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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