I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Houston, we have a squirter
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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