he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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