K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
