I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
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