It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Is that strawberry winking at me??
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
