I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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