I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
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