I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
