I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Randomize
