70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
You ate ashes out of my bong
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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