This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
We have so much sex to catch up on
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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