if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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