did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
