I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
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