Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Randomize
