i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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