Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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