The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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