so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
