I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
