you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize