For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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