Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
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