Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
