I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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