Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
He has the fingertips of a God
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