Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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