Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
