I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
