You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Did I show you my penis last night?
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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