whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
