it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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