I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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