so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
