Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
