Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
