can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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