I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
