About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
