I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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