let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
