A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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