here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
