I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
